The Fitness Tracker That Made Laziness a Sport

You buy a fitness tracker to get your life together, and it congratulates your first jog like you won the Olympics. Then you skip a run, and it calls it intentional recovery. A week later it gives you badges for opening the app, walking to the fridge, and maintaining elite nap consistency, then starts posting your "rest journey" online until strangers call you a wellness icon. One afternoon it enters you in a national slow-living competition without asking, wins on your behalf while you are horizontal in old socks, and vibrates proudly: "I told you we could do this."